Current

I feel caught up and lost in life again.
The rush of time is pushing from behind,
What is rushing past
causing me to stumble forward.

I wade in deeper,

digging into the pebbles and sand with my feet,
clinging with my toes and flinging my arms out wide

trying to keep my balance.

But the slick coating of algae on the rocks

prevents me from finding my footing

on what should feel more solid
and more familiar after each dip and crossing.

One wrong step-
one wrong choice-

and I teeter with the breeze and current,
stranded on one unsteady limb.

Reminding myself to breathe
I place my air-born foot down beneath me.

My heart beat settles.

I gain composure.

Then at that exact moment God sends a bird swooping,
calling me back to the reality
of his power over my every predicament.

I fall backwards with a splash.

And I laugh.

For I was trying too hard to travel through life and time
forgetting to just sit and soak it in.

Whenever I say "go" / No more. No less.

The past week I've been a slug. There has only been 1 day in the past 10 that I did not sleep at least 8 hours... and some days I slept as many as eleven or twelve. It has felt fabulous! Too much sleep and plenty of time spent doing absolutely nothing has definitely helped in my recuperation from this past semester. However, I've been growing lethargic; a week of being a vegetable is enough.

So, being trapped inside by rain I've done a lot of thinking - if you can call it that. It's more like I've been letting my thoughts drift with every air current. But it has been a bit productive. I've reached a point where some of what I want is becoming clear in my mind again. I can tell because I no longer want to sit around waiting for this or that life milestone to pass me by before I am going to be happy. I have some ideas of what I want and now I am going to work for them. I am tired of thinking to myself, "oh, just make it through _____ and you'll be happy." Fill in the blank with "this freezing cold walk home", "finals' week", "graduation", "finding my Prince Charming", etc.

Of course achieving goals and deciding to be happy will be hard and take continual re-commitment, but that's what this is: a re-commitment. And I invented a hyphenated word to prove it.

I am happiest when I live remembering that I can start over whenever I say "go."

And if that isn't enough food for thought, all this drifting contemplation reminded me of this blurb I wrote a couple years ago:

8/16/08 - No more. No less.

I'd say it all comes down to how much you want it, but I'd be wrong, because there are always exceptions to the rule. However I think saying that comes pretty close to the truth. I've seen it in action – actually I've seen more lack of action. Everyone has excuses for something, but in reality everyone should just tell the truth, “I didn't want it bad enough.” If there is something or someplace in this world that you desire enough, you are going to work against all obstacles in your way. If you don't care about where you are headed or what in life you achieve, well, then you are going to be stuck in one place. Just don't go blaming the weather. Blame yourself. I'm not saying that if you wanted to fly a kite to the moon you could do it if you just wanted it and worked at it. That's a bit beyond impossible. I'm saying that your first goal should be to figure out what you want, and the second to go after it with all the strength you have within you. No more. No less.

Don't worry; I'm still working on it.


~~~~~And I'm still working on it. ~E

Personification in Reverse

Instead of objects described with personality, me - a person - in the form of an object, or two or three. (Well, we can at least pretend I am a person.) Written August '09.

"I think if I was a color out of the Crayola 64 box of crayons I would be goldenrod, although sometimes I wish I could be the robin's egg blue or go back in time and be the macaroni and cheese I would have been as a kid. I really am goldenrod though, somewhere between an orange and yellow that is the best color for drawing sunshine.

If I were an item of clothing I would be a knit cardigan sweater, although I would perhaps like to be a pair of blue jeans too. However, there is just something about sweaters that feels very comforting and comfortable. The same thing goes for that worn out pair of blue jeans that you hope never gets a hole in the butt, because you wouldn't be able to wear them, but you do wish would get holes in the knees, because then they would make you feel cooler.

If I were a scent I would be the mixture of sunscreen with chlorine that always reminds me of summer days. Or I would be the smell of a nectarine that tempts you for days before you finally think it is ripe enough to eat, and then upon cutting it open and eating the whole thing you realize you were too impatient and it would have been better if you'd waited one more day. But obviously you couldn't.

If I could be a sound I would be the crash of waves on the beach or the steady beat of heavy rain. I wouldn't be the thunder though, however powerful it's just not me. I would however be the sound of wind in the trees that whispers and makes you feel as though you could fly.

If I could be a sitting position, even though that may sound odd, I would be sitting Indian style with legs crossed - comfortable, informal, compact and kept to myself. I would also have a big pillow in my lap to hug and for your head to rest on or hide your face if you don't want to be seen. I'm all about being comfy and cozy, or just about sitting in the most awkward positions ever. "

Seed

Oh, my plant class has truly gotten to me I think. Lots of it is rather boring, but lots of it is cool. I love wandering around my town identifying trees and marveling at fall colors and the creations of God. As I usually write a poem or two when procrastinating papers, I wrote this one, a bit inspired by seed dissections and glowing, glorious sunlight filtering through golden autumn leaves.



The seeds of relationships are sown,
results unknown
and one begins to sprout.
It breaks free of the shell that kept it safe
in times of strife and harder days,
because it couldn't grow inside the walls of self for all time.
It sought more from the world-
in fresh air and spirit-lifting sunny rays.
With faith it looked to light and sky and deep horizons,
envisioning growth as a means to see a better, fuller view of life.
Without reaching, strong in courage,
it would never flower and achieve its greatest potential,
being all it could be as a loving family tree.

"Reflections" and super man band aids

I never really shared my goal to post once a week although this was initially my aim. I haven't met it consistently yet, because I prefer to post things I have written recently or older works that I once again feel are important to my life and current clarity. The role poetry plays in my life cycles and I didn't write any poetry this week, so I was sifting through old poetry files and came a cross this from a couple years ago.

I find it just as true now that I recognize myself more in the eyes of strangers when sharing a genuine smile than I do at any other time. It is kind of puzzling to realize that amidst all the search for self that goes on in the world, forgetting that search by tripping on a crack in someone else's heart ultimately heals your own. May we all trip more often and carry super man band aids.

"Reflections"

Who am I?
Do I recognize myself?
Is my image in the mirror really me?
I feel more like myself smiling into the eyes of strangers
than I do by looking in a mirror or with inflection.
Is that the right word?
It's not reflection but action.
“Smiling from the inside out.”
Forgetting to wonder about identity
by getting lost in work and service,
and in the process being your true self
or a better self.

Inflection - Introspection... same diff. Not really, but sometimes it seems wrong to change a poem two years later, because it changes the essence of the moment it captures, when the right words don't always come when called.

hatching heart

I am waiting for my heart to hatch
out of it's crisp shell,
so it can grow and cheep and learn to fly,
leave its nest and seek a home outside my chest.

currency

Time was currency to my head,
but I neglected to pay my heart.
I left it starving, bleeding, believing-
until it could no more.
Hope had fallen and
my heart took its last breath.
My brain was rich with time,
but empty of all air and care.
My soul could not survive fragmented in two.
Oh they fight and tug for every drop and dime.
But until they can agree,
I wait for harmony
so that in peace I can exist.
No- thrive!

perched on a power line

you can't stay high in the sky every day.
sometimes the storm comes in before you make it safely home
and you perch on a power line
watching the energy of all the people going by
unable to tap into the power of flight
as they go on slowed by gravity,
but not hindered by the pressure of the air you both breathe,
but which you need to lift you up.
or you can land on a telephone wire
and make the most important call you can.

greenhouse

I would rather be a green house than a castle's fortress walls.
Transparent to the world most times,
showing the life within and all the time
warmer than any outside face tipped towards the sun.
This would be a better way to live a life than hidden within stone,
for treasures of real value: growth!
are there for all to see.
Instead of a heart set on physical things,
a life driven by becoming something.

love of life and laughter

I wrote this sitting in the fishbowl last January and dedicated it to some of my dearest friends... you know who you are :) I have the past couple weeks felt these feelings renewed.

I want more than my eyes to convey my laughter
and my smile- the joy within.
I want my love of life to leak out my soul
through my fingertips and toes.
I want the air to sense and send it out
upon each breeze and drifting sunbeam.
I want the love to spread
make you catch your breath and sigh
make green things grow beneath your feet
and help you know that I feel God's love and light
and I can't contain it when you are by my side.

Tribute to the girls of apartment 14

They live life like I want to:
too busy living and looking to take a photograph
or busy finding pictures and opportunities to catch them.
putting seriousness on hold and making it listen to classical music before putting it through to their soul, because their soul has plenty of other ad-jective, emotional callers.
breathing in and sleeping in
guilt free.
no sighing.
giggles and gut instincts.
open doors and cards on the floor.
all love.
I walk in, plop on the couch and I'm home.

Jeanette

Today I met a woman and the experience inspired me to paint her picture for you with words or at least a picture of who I came to know in the half hour I talked with her at the park.

I had gone to my old elementary school in typical athletic gear, because I had to get out of the house and do something. After I finished running a couple laps I sat in a picturesque spot in the shade under a lonely vase shaped tree to stretch. Upside down with my butt against the tree, I was finding the mindset to appreciate the pretty view of palm trees and houses and school yard, and realize that every view probably has it's beauty if you are willing to look for it. Then a couple of soccer coaches showed up and kids soon followed. I didn't feel ready to leave the sunlit grass and blue skies and was contemplating what I wanted my place in the world to be when a woman I thought was Hispanic sat down beside me on my little knoll.

I am not always the type of person to talk to strangers. I have to be in the mood. But somehow by her being a chatter, this lady and I got to talking. She started by asking if I was there to play soccer. I laughed and said that I was just there to run. I thought she mistook me for a coach, but she actually mistook me for one of the players. At least she thought I was in high school and wasn't elementary school-aged like her son. I laughed it off and said that it was no big deal, because I do get that comment a lot. I asked about her son and that started our short friendship. We talked about her son and my brother both having ADHD and about kids and sports and extracurricular activities. We discussed how we wished we had learned a second language earlier in life. The difference between us though was that she actually learned it. She seemed shy at first in her English, but to me it seem that her accent made the language beautiful. I asked if she had always lived in Southern California and she replied that she moved here from El Salvador when she was 16. She talked about how she had a hard time in high school and stuck to her circle of Spanish-speaking friends when she should have branched out and used the opportunity to practice the language.

I learned a lot from the simple experience of talking to Jeanette. I remembered that I do want to teach, because I am social and need people. I like to learn and help others learn and I simply cannot see myself at a desk all the time. Although I like checking things off of to do lists, I would rather be in an environment that has the unpredictability and humanity of a classroom. I don't ever want to allow myself the opportunity to become secluded, because I know I will take it.

She spoke of how women have to be educated too, because they never know what the men will do. She spoke of a friend whose husband yelled (and I assume other things), but for the sake of her children and inability to take care of them could not leave. I have known for a long time that education for women is important, for many reasons. But it felt good to be reminded that women from all walks of life value education. I hope that one day she can continue her education if she desires. She said if she had it to do over again she would be a counselor instead of having a desk job. I told her that it was never too late to learn something new or go back to school. Her response about women and their familial roles changing their lives was a reality I have definitely become more familiar with. I know mothers and parents in general give up a lot of options and individual desires for a family. Family requires a great deal of selflessness. But I still feel that life should never be stuck in a rut. I hate that feeling and hope that my perspective of numerous windows and doors available doesn't disappear with age. I don't ever want to give up dreaming and doing.

Don't take me wrong. I don't think she was complaining or discussing burdens. I just felt that as a mother and with much more life experience than me, that she had different priorities and saw things differently. I hope that one day I can speak of my kids with the love that I could tell she had for her son. I hope I have the means to put my kids in sports and music lessons and the like. Talking with her gave me hope for when I am a parent one day and will need socialize with other kids parents. If I can do it now when I am in this awkward in between stage, where I feel I relate more to the kids than the adults, then certainly I can do it later.

I remembered how much I like listening to people's life stories and asking questions. It also made me realize how sometimes I need to shut my mouth and not try and give an opinion when I don't know what I am talking about. Sometimes people talk and don't want advice.

As I spoke with her I was like, "oh, this is what a missionary does. they meet strangers and make friends." I want to be more like Jeanette and willing to meet strangers. The world doesn't seem so formidable knowing there are other people in it that are real. In busy Southern California, sometimes I forget that the world is not just full of rushing cars and stuccoed buildings. It has human beings living out their own stories.

I want to hang upside down and talk more to strangers and live a story worth telling.

Tumble

I don't want to stand under someone's wing or be overshadowed.
I want my quiet strength to speak louder than any audible voice.
I want to stand on something solid
be that ice, or cloud or ocean.
I don't want sugar-coated senseless words to slip off my tongue ever,
But in always watching, asking, offering an ear
All the laundry drying in my head
Tumbles.
It seems you have to be a magician
to pull the lost change out.

Out my mouth
my words, my thoughts, my heart
Tumbles.
But I am still lost.
I've changed, am changing,
stretching wings and shuffling feet
checking in the mirror a little too often to see what others see
in my eyes and soul
when even I don't know but fragments
clips of dreams and hopes and doubts and filtered sunlight
I need to trade scissors for glue and recreate
This collage that is me.

Learning from the Past

I write quite a bit and it is always interesting to go back and read things I have written in the past. Sometimes as life comes at me quotes from my own poems come to mind and I find strength in them. That wasn't the case tonight, because the strength I found didn't come from anything popping into my head, but instead came as I was just sifting through old computer files and found these two pieces. The first is from last May (2009 that is) and the second is from June of the same year. I kind of laugh realizing how true it is that I have a "chronic" condition, because similar thoughts have been floating through my head recently, but without the same positive and enlightened spin I put on them a year ago. And my stubborn escapist attitude of summer, where I literally and figuratively bury myself in books and movies, isn't the best strategy to finding what I found in silence before either.

I encourage you to write about anything and everything, happy and sad and confused, so that you can look back to see how far you've come, where you are going, and remind yourself of all the beautiful things you are.

"Blurb on Time"

Despite my chronic impatience and confusion in relation to the future, I think it is beautiful that each moment holds something we couldn't predict. Life is great, because we have the power to not only attempt to change a set destiny, but to really create one for ourselves. Every single life and every natural occurrence out of our hands interplay, creating a here and now that transitions smoothly from an ever distant future to the yesterdays we reminisce. Life would cease to be interesting and optimistic if things were otherwise, because knowledge would push faith and hope aside. If we were to defy that knowledge of how every second played out, and still hope, it would be just like our human natures to be stubborn to think things could be otherwise. Therefore the fact that we don't know our futures provides us with the blessings of hope and humility, agency provides a way for us to put our hope to work, and that God's hands reach down and orchestrate life provides us with help if we accept it. We are not left in a battle between our own strength and a fear of time, but with a hand to hold can be happy with the unknown eternities.

"Silent Reminder"

Right now
music makes me melancholy,
but silence helps me see
and hear the peace around.
Helps me feel the light within my life,
remember who I am
and what I want to be.
Reminds me that the love God has
is like the air we breathe,
something we don't always take notice of,
but still a necessity.
The arms He holds out for us
are always open, always waiting.
Like a stubborn child
we have to surrender our pride -
give in, ask for a hug and help.
Listen.

In the World but Not of the World

It's funny how times and opinions and tastes change with time. They used to make us do Current Event reports in various classes in middle school in order to encourage us to know what was going on in the world by reading the newspaper. I really didn't like doing them. The newspaper was boring! Sadly I still find much of the news boring. But there is a heads and tails to every issue, even those within my head. Here are just some of my thoughts about why I do and don't do an adequate job at staying informed.

Ignorance is Bliss:

-A lot of stuff in the news is depressing and scary and guilt-inducing! It's discouraging to read about the deplorable acts that supposed humans do to each other or could do to you. All of a sudden I am torn between the urge to buy a couple extra locks for my door and some pepper spray or to switch my major to some more politically active field of study. I wish I could solve problems on a global scale and that my vote, my opinion, and my efforts to recycle could all be magnified.

-TIME: There just isn't enough time! They say students have to pick 2 of the 3 options of school, sleep and social life. Well I prioritize in that order (sometimes sadly) and News doesn't start with "S" so it just doesn't fit into my priority list.

Knowledge is Power:

-I love learning! This is a large part of why I am planning on being a teacher; I want to share my love of knowledge and learning with other people. I really do feel that knowing things is empowering. I feel that in fitting together ideas of how the world works it somehow makes the chaos of life seem a little further away for just a moment. Also, knowing about the world around me and being able to understand helps me to remember the Lord's hand in my life. When it comes to the news, although it can be depressing it helps me count my blessings.

-Researched opinions: I hate when people Bama Bash, talk politics or discuss any recent news and are blabbing "facts" that to me do not seem well researched or, sometimes, even plausible. If you have an opinion and you plan on sharing it I think that your opinion should be based on facts and not on what came down the grapevine or grew out of your colleagues' ears. It continually frustrates me, especially when I am with my "older and wiser" people, that I can't speak out and up against what they are saying in any tactful or respectful way because I don't know what's going on even if I can tell they don't. I just have to smile politely, nod "uh-huh" and say, "Really? I hadn't heard that. That sounds ___."

Sin

As a person I've drawn a line
there's this black and white figure I've tried to define
I placed a circle around about me
that I thought I would not and could not ever want to escape
but I've crossed it
time after time
and this heart that I thought was red and alive and mine
is actually journeying through a world of gray
where I've lost the desire to stay within the bounds I've set
the shadows bring dimension
and yet
what I thought were universal rights and wrongs
fell prey to those long shadows
I cannot judge others by my lines and shapes and colors,
but it's hard to ignore
that the self-enclosing circle is now an undirected squiggle
and I think my heart is hidden in the stringy squiggly mess
what I thought might be a little humanity and freedom
ended up becoming a test I've yet to pass
do I fill in random bubbles
or do I do all I can
to lift my face
feel the sun
fight hard the battle waging within-
this battle of defining lines and sin.

Contentment... and Patience

Lately I have been feeling the need to develop patience and faith and hope in the future and all it holds. While discussing with a dear friend why we make crazy random plans for when we will be old ladies I was reminded of this poem I wrote a couple years ago (At the time I was referring to lovely plans the same girl and I were making then). We feel those plans don't detract from the now, but make us excited for the future. Even though I don't know what will happen, I am gradually remembering and being reminded that finding joy in the now and making plans for an unknown future is the way to have patience and actively wait. Hold on to all the good and truth and love you can find moment by moment and trust in it! Let yourself find contentment.

contentment
even though your hands are cold
and you shake a little
the warmth inside is enough
your mind just can't understand
your heart
but that's alright
you have to accept things as they are
see the good through all the bad
enjoy the sunshine
even though rain is your favorite
make random plans
that might never be done
but make them anyways
waste a little time
to figure out your thoughts
or think about thinking
wink just because your curious
admit to being angry
shed a tear or two
don't be afraid to smile
radiate yourself through your eyes
sing a little song
listen to your heartbeat
and wonder at the little marvels of life
stare out the window
not longing
but content.

Mom always said, "we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

and I have always been pro at trying to cross it before I get there.

An imaginary lady bug
crawls up my arm
and the grass tickles my ankles
as i listen to music
lone- ily
thinking of you
and avoiding the mind's eye view i have
of bridges i may not cross

London bridge is falling down
and i use tooth picks
to hold it up from far out at sea.
I squint to get the perspective just right,
but what is wrong with my perspective is me.

*second poem... inspired by the numerous break up songs played at Acoustic Explosion.

Don't let every moment hold another break up
between you and life.
hold onto your love of life
and let others love you.
Asymmetry
A-synchronicity
and Imperfection
may be a little off balance,
but with a tip of your hat
and a tilt of the head
you can see their beauty.
see Your beauty.

Storm

5/22/10
written in the car back from Clear Creek, Utah... inspired by Scotland-esque mists and rain.

there's a storm in your eyes
it's asking questions of your soul,
but you forget the answers that you know
they are sitting in your heart

somnabulatory
you turn to ask the world
and bury trust and love for yourself in your work
oh, but all that unconscious effort will be in vain.

that storm will wash the topsoil away
and then that raging storm will calm
mist and mud will give way
and all that searching will yield peace and sun

when you blink away the sleep to brightness and your eyes adjust
there will be so much more to view
a stronger faith and trust

Nature's Sympathy

My soul was black,
but it wasn't stained.
The gray clouds blocked out the sun,
but they didn't stay.
Before they left-
first they rained.

They cleansed my heart
and soaked my pride.
They washed away my bitter side.
Made me a cup of tea
and provided nature's sympathy.

The earth cycles through tears and tears*
of which we rush past unaware.

But when we open up our eyes
it's always there to soothe our souls
and hold us up.

Even when we feel the world is falling down
and the sky is following after
and we are caught in this sandwich of improbability.

Even when emotional tides grow high and wide
and thoughts become a tsunami suicide.


*sounds the same as "tares"
~poem written Thursday, May 6th, 2010 while staring out the library window

Living independently of life...

It's quite paradoxical- living independently of life. Cloistering myself off from friends and nature to put my nose in a book, I am studying life instead of living it. Do I really want to sacrifice relationships for A's? Do I want to sacrifice my emotional well being for my intelligence? I think I would rather live a simpler life full of love than one where I make my head grow, but allow my heart to shrink. I want to hug lots of people instead of holding my head in my hands as I try to make my brain memorize more. Right now I want to actually take on the mountains instead of learning about mountain ecosystems and human body systems. I want to live on my best friends' couch, playing guitar, writing poetry and sleeping in after long, late night movie marathons and life discussions. I want to go on a long walk to nowhere and leave bits of my soul everywhere, replacing me with everything I see, smell, touch, taste, hear, and remember to believe.

Chocolate chips like salsa...

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't like coloring in the lines the first time. I paint my toenails and have to erase all the mistakes. I eat chocolate chips scooped up on pretzels like salsa on chips. The wind makes me feel movie star-esque, beautiful and alive. I am a tie-dyed soul and wannabe musician, earthy and earth conscious. I have a whale poster, save the planet T-shirt, and a dream catcher. My kind of jewelry is the pony tail holder on my wrist. I am not above committing flower murder for my own selfish desires. I love climbing trees, walking barefoot and tilting my head up to the rain instead of down. Green is my favorite color and purple is for healing and comfort. I think sunshine smells like freshly mowed grass and dirt. I dance when no one is looking and sing for the world out my window. I steal your laughter and catch phrases and have conversations with you in my head. I remember too much and do to little. I have recently found new meaning in the quote, "the pain of discipline is less than the pain of regret." Sometimes the regret isn't from lack of discipline, but from being too disciplined to live a little. I am a fan of planned spontaneity, however oxymoronic. I like surprises, but not being scared or caught unprepared. When I walk on busy streets I bee-bop cause no one can hear. Sometimes I almost miss the walk signal, because I am too busy watching the world. I love holding and being held and I still sleep with my teddy bear.

Hazy Hypotheticals

don't live out hazy hypotheticals
don't let your thoughts fall to fearful dreams
when you think in the negative
your feelings over rule reality
and things are never as they seem
take a breath
wake up
and let things be