Jeanette

Today I met a woman and the experience inspired me to paint her picture for you with words or at least a picture of who I came to know in the half hour I talked with her at the park.

I had gone to my old elementary school in typical athletic gear, because I had to get out of the house and do something. After I finished running a couple laps I sat in a picturesque spot in the shade under a lonely vase shaped tree to stretch. Upside down with my butt against the tree, I was finding the mindset to appreciate the pretty view of palm trees and houses and school yard, and realize that every view probably has it's beauty if you are willing to look for it. Then a couple of soccer coaches showed up and kids soon followed. I didn't feel ready to leave the sunlit grass and blue skies and was contemplating what I wanted my place in the world to be when a woman I thought was Hispanic sat down beside me on my little knoll.

I am not always the type of person to talk to strangers. I have to be in the mood. But somehow by her being a chatter, this lady and I got to talking. She started by asking if I was there to play soccer. I laughed and said that I was just there to run. I thought she mistook me for a coach, but she actually mistook me for one of the players. At least she thought I was in high school and wasn't elementary school-aged like her son. I laughed it off and said that it was no big deal, because I do get that comment a lot. I asked about her son and that started our short friendship. We talked about her son and my brother both having ADHD and about kids and sports and extracurricular activities. We discussed how we wished we had learned a second language earlier in life. The difference between us though was that she actually learned it. She seemed shy at first in her English, but to me it seem that her accent made the language beautiful. I asked if she had always lived in Southern California and she replied that she moved here from El Salvador when she was 16. She talked about how she had a hard time in high school and stuck to her circle of Spanish-speaking friends when she should have branched out and used the opportunity to practice the language.

I learned a lot from the simple experience of talking to Jeanette. I remembered that I do want to teach, because I am social and need people. I like to learn and help others learn and I simply cannot see myself at a desk all the time. Although I like checking things off of to do lists, I would rather be in an environment that has the unpredictability and humanity of a classroom. I don't ever want to allow myself the opportunity to become secluded, because I know I will take it.

She spoke of how women have to be educated too, because they never know what the men will do. She spoke of a friend whose husband yelled (and I assume other things), but for the sake of her children and inability to take care of them could not leave. I have known for a long time that education for women is important, for many reasons. But it felt good to be reminded that women from all walks of life value education. I hope that one day she can continue her education if she desires. She said if she had it to do over again she would be a counselor instead of having a desk job. I told her that it was never too late to learn something new or go back to school. Her response about women and their familial roles changing their lives was a reality I have definitely become more familiar with. I know mothers and parents in general give up a lot of options and individual desires for a family. Family requires a great deal of selflessness. But I still feel that life should never be stuck in a rut. I hate that feeling and hope that my perspective of numerous windows and doors available doesn't disappear with age. I don't ever want to give up dreaming and doing.

Don't take me wrong. I don't think she was complaining or discussing burdens. I just felt that as a mother and with much more life experience than me, that she had different priorities and saw things differently. I hope that one day I can speak of my kids with the love that I could tell she had for her son. I hope I have the means to put my kids in sports and music lessons and the like. Talking with her gave me hope for when I am a parent one day and will need socialize with other kids parents. If I can do it now when I am in this awkward in between stage, where I feel I relate more to the kids than the adults, then certainly I can do it later.

I remembered how much I like listening to people's life stories and asking questions. It also made me realize how sometimes I need to shut my mouth and not try and give an opinion when I don't know what I am talking about. Sometimes people talk and don't want advice.

As I spoke with her I was like, "oh, this is what a missionary does. they meet strangers and make friends." I want to be more like Jeanette and willing to meet strangers. The world doesn't seem so formidable knowing there are other people in it that are real. In busy Southern California, sometimes I forget that the world is not just full of rushing cars and stuccoed buildings. It has human beings living out their own stories.

I want to hang upside down and talk more to strangers and live a story worth telling.

Tumble

I don't want to stand under someone's wing or be overshadowed.
I want my quiet strength to speak louder than any audible voice.
I want to stand on something solid
be that ice, or cloud or ocean.
I don't want sugar-coated senseless words to slip off my tongue ever,
But in always watching, asking, offering an ear
All the laundry drying in my head
Tumbles.
It seems you have to be a magician
to pull the lost change out.

Out my mouth
my words, my thoughts, my heart
Tumbles.
But I am still lost.
I've changed, am changing,
stretching wings and shuffling feet
checking in the mirror a little too often to see what others see
in my eyes and soul
when even I don't know but fragments
clips of dreams and hopes and doubts and filtered sunlight
I need to trade scissors for glue and recreate
This collage that is me.

Learning from the Past

I write quite a bit and it is always interesting to go back and read things I have written in the past. Sometimes as life comes at me quotes from my own poems come to mind and I find strength in them. That wasn't the case tonight, because the strength I found didn't come from anything popping into my head, but instead came as I was just sifting through old computer files and found these two pieces. The first is from last May (2009 that is) and the second is from June of the same year. I kind of laugh realizing how true it is that I have a "chronic" condition, because similar thoughts have been floating through my head recently, but without the same positive and enlightened spin I put on them a year ago. And my stubborn escapist attitude of summer, where I literally and figuratively bury myself in books and movies, isn't the best strategy to finding what I found in silence before either.

I encourage you to write about anything and everything, happy and sad and confused, so that you can look back to see how far you've come, where you are going, and remind yourself of all the beautiful things you are.

"Blurb on Time"

Despite my chronic impatience and confusion in relation to the future, I think it is beautiful that each moment holds something we couldn't predict. Life is great, because we have the power to not only attempt to change a set destiny, but to really create one for ourselves. Every single life and every natural occurrence out of our hands interplay, creating a here and now that transitions smoothly from an ever distant future to the yesterdays we reminisce. Life would cease to be interesting and optimistic if things were otherwise, because knowledge would push faith and hope aside. If we were to defy that knowledge of how every second played out, and still hope, it would be just like our human natures to be stubborn to think things could be otherwise. Therefore the fact that we don't know our futures provides us with the blessings of hope and humility, agency provides a way for us to put our hope to work, and that God's hands reach down and orchestrate life provides us with help if we accept it. We are not left in a battle between our own strength and a fear of time, but with a hand to hold can be happy with the unknown eternities.

"Silent Reminder"

Right now
music makes me melancholy,
but silence helps me see
and hear the peace around.
Helps me feel the light within my life,
remember who I am
and what I want to be.
Reminds me that the love God has
is like the air we breathe,
something we don't always take notice of,
but still a necessity.
The arms He holds out for us
are always open, always waiting.
Like a stubborn child
we have to surrender our pride -
give in, ask for a hug and help.
Listen.