Lucifugous

Lucifugous- shunning or avoiding light

So, I don't mean to brag... okay, maybe I do just a wee bit, but I came across this word playing Cranium a few weeks ago and totally guessed the definition right. Anyways, I think that beyond the simple definition of this word is an entire idea that I have been trying to wrap my head around for ten years. Take that back. Since birth probably. It's not that I've been shunning light itself, at least not intentionally, (although I was probably the palest kid after any summer's break due to my lack of contact with the sun as I read book after book in funny contorted positions in random corners of my house) but it's that sometimes I shun light in the form of people: human companionship.

So I totally went on this huge pointless spiel a couple months ago to a good friend of mine. I spoke of trying to avoid being overly social and getting no peace-embracing and self-discovering solitude and then spoke of the opposite: being totally lazy and antisocial, not willing to put forth the effort to be vulnerable and connect with people. I spoke of the elusive balanced life. Although thinking out loud to one of my few uber trusted sounding boards was satisfying, it was also frustrating. What was frustrating was that I did actually have a point, which I never got to. Even when I brought up the subject of balance, and even my neglect of having a conclusion, with my friend a week later, I still forgot to finish my idea! Balance is not only elusive in practice, but also in intent. I was on this mental and verbal journey, speaking my thoughts, hoping to eventually get to the point that (yes, I am about to get there!) the purpose of life is people! Not all people, all the time, but connections with them - including a connection with self.

Life should be the antithesis of being lucifugous.

Stranger, Acquaintance, Friend?

God keeps putting you in my path.

Every time I am taken aback.

I don't know if your care is real.

My heart doubts and I refuse to feel

your love.

Why do you refuse to be dissuaded

when I stubbornly try to live life unaided

by you or any dearer friend?

I hardly know you, but it's through you God sends

His love.

I struggle to believe the gentle and genuine words you speak.

My desire is strong, but my faith is weak.

And yet I relive each moment, craving connection.

Your inner compass of self-confidence leads me in the direction of

self love.

Thank you to my 8 year old sister for helping me find a rhyme for the word "connection." :)

When feet hit pavement

When feet hit pavement

as you turn and run from your problems,

the forward motion becomes:

a swish,

a swirl,

collapse!

The mess of life implodes.

The black hole of your mind

sucks you in,

warps time,

crinkles life,

and distorts all light.

Leaving you paralyzed in checkered shadow.

But rewind- this time don't turn.

return to the pivotal moment and stand firm.

When feet hit pavement

as you stomp forward

right foot first,

raise your hands.

Gesture large and loud.

And stare your problems down.

In your rebellion-

the outcry, the expression, the explosion

will ripple out and repress

the anxiousness,

leaving you to shove aside the problem,

brush off your shoulders,

and strut forward

feet hitting pavement.

note: still needs some work. possible edits to follow. any suggestion on better punctuation use?

Weeping Starlight (Have Hope and Get to Work!)

Some of you may have already read this poem in my notes posted on Facebook. It's one of my older ones, but definitely a fave. (Which is funny considering how much I like to make wishes on stars, dandelions, wishing rocks, pennies, etc.) Anyways, I was just reminded of it as I was reading a talk from General Conference yesterday. In Elder Steven E. Snow's talk on Hope he said, "Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives... hope brings a certain calming influence... our hopes can lead to dreams which can inspire us to action... Hope can inspire dreams and spur us to realize those dreams. Hope alone, however, does not cause us to succeed. Many honorable hopes have gone unfulfilled, shipwrecked on the reefs of good intentions and laziness." (This also goes back to a post I wrote on how you should really figure out what you want and go after it.)

Sometimes it may be hard to have hope, really hard even, but we shouldn't give in to our doubts. There is no power there, or at least no power in OUR hands. We should choose faith and choose to recognize our potential. We may feel powerless, and this may lead to placing the responsibility of our wish fulfillment on undeserving objects. INSTEAD we should enjoy the playfulness of hoping and wishing on these things while recognizing that the ultimate power is within. And with God. We have the choice, the power, the potential, and the responsibility to ourselves to discover what it is we desire out of life and then...have hope and get to work!

weeping starlight
from a shooting star
drips down, trickles down
glitters and sparkles
cleanses
travels through night
leaves only night
passes through and fades
till the nearest star returns
bright beyond all else
warming and illuminating
a different kind of shooting star
circling and returning
raining down its glory
reigning over the life it gives
a light and life we take for granted
because despite its constant presence
it becomes regular and trite
while shooting stars in passing
surprise us
with their special and transient light
the sun with its ever present glow
should be the focus of our wishes
for with the work of day
we are what make them come to pass.

Clouds in their stillness

Lately, construction workers have been working on the outside of my apartment building, periodically leaving plastic sheeting over the windows for days at a time... even when weather is hot... and I am sick and therefore would love to have the normal beautiful view out my window that inspired this poem a couple years ago.

time slips through my fingers

like I have no grip

all I want is to paint a picture

of the sky

as the clouds in their stillness betray

the movement of the cosmos

and the fleetingness of life