Learning from the Past

I write quite a bit and it is always interesting to go back and read things I have written in the past. Sometimes as life comes at me quotes from my own poems come to mind and I find strength in them. That wasn't the case tonight, because the strength I found didn't come from anything popping into my head, but instead came as I was just sifting through old computer files and found these two pieces. The first is from last May (2009 that is) and the second is from June of the same year. I kind of laugh realizing how true it is that I have a "chronic" condition, because similar thoughts have been floating through my head recently, but without the same positive and enlightened spin I put on them a year ago. And my stubborn escapist attitude of summer, where I literally and figuratively bury myself in books and movies, isn't the best strategy to finding what I found in silence before either.

I encourage you to write about anything and everything, happy and sad and confused, so that you can look back to see how far you've come, where you are going, and remind yourself of all the beautiful things you are.

"Blurb on Time"

Despite my chronic impatience and confusion in relation to the future, I think it is beautiful that each moment holds something we couldn't predict. Life is great, because we have the power to not only attempt to change a set destiny, but to really create one for ourselves. Every single life and every natural occurrence out of our hands interplay, creating a here and now that transitions smoothly from an ever distant future to the yesterdays we reminisce. Life would cease to be interesting and optimistic if things were otherwise, because knowledge would push faith and hope aside. If we were to defy that knowledge of how every second played out, and still hope, it would be just like our human natures to be stubborn to think things could be otherwise. Therefore the fact that we don't know our futures provides us with the blessings of hope and humility, agency provides a way for us to put our hope to work, and that God's hands reach down and orchestrate life provides us with help if we accept it. We are not left in a battle between our own strength and a fear of time, but with a hand to hold can be happy with the unknown eternities.

"Silent Reminder"

Right now
music makes me melancholy,
but silence helps me see
and hear the peace around.
Helps me feel the light within my life,
remember who I am
and what I want to be.
Reminds me that the love God has
is like the air we breathe,
something we don't always take notice of,
but still a necessity.
The arms He holds out for us
are always open, always waiting.
Like a stubborn child
we have to surrender our pride -
give in, ask for a hug and help.
Listen.

In the World but Not of the World

It's funny how times and opinions and tastes change with time. They used to make us do Current Event reports in various classes in middle school in order to encourage us to know what was going on in the world by reading the newspaper. I really didn't like doing them. The newspaper was boring! Sadly I still find much of the news boring. But there is a heads and tails to every issue, even those within my head. Here are just some of my thoughts about why I do and don't do an adequate job at staying informed.

Ignorance is Bliss:

-A lot of stuff in the news is depressing and scary and guilt-inducing! It's discouraging to read about the deplorable acts that supposed humans do to each other or could do to you. All of a sudden I am torn between the urge to buy a couple extra locks for my door and some pepper spray or to switch my major to some more politically active field of study. I wish I could solve problems on a global scale and that my vote, my opinion, and my efforts to recycle could all be magnified.

-TIME: There just isn't enough time! They say students have to pick 2 of the 3 options of school, sleep and social life. Well I prioritize in that order (sometimes sadly) and News doesn't start with "S" so it just doesn't fit into my priority list.

Knowledge is Power:

-I love learning! This is a large part of why I am planning on being a teacher; I want to share my love of knowledge and learning with other people. I really do feel that knowing things is empowering. I feel that in fitting together ideas of how the world works it somehow makes the chaos of life seem a little further away for just a moment. Also, knowing about the world around me and being able to understand helps me to remember the Lord's hand in my life. When it comes to the news, although it can be depressing it helps me count my blessings.

-Researched opinions: I hate when people Bama Bash, talk politics or discuss any recent news and are blabbing "facts" that to me do not seem well researched or, sometimes, even plausible. If you have an opinion and you plan on sharing it I think that your opinion should be based on facts and not on what came down the grapevine or grew out of your colleagues' ears. It continually frustrates me, especially when I am with my "older and wiser" people, that I can't speak out and up against what they are saying in any tactful or respectful way because I don't know what's going on even if I can tell they don't. I just have to smile politely, nod "uh-huh" and say, "Really? I hadn't heard that. That sounds ___."

Sin

As a person I've drawn a line
there's this black and white figure I've tried to define
I placed a circle around about me
that I thought I would not and could not ever want to escape
but I've crossed it
time after time
and this heart that I thought was red and alive and mine
is actually journeying through a world of gray
where I've lost the desire to stay within the bounds I've set
the shadows bring dimension
and yet
what I thought were universal rights and wrongs
fell prey to those long shadows
I cannot judge others by my lines and shapes and colors,
but it's hard to ignore
that the self-enclosing circle is now an undirected squiggle
and I think my heart is hidden in the stringy squiggly mess
what I thought might be a little humanity and freedom
ended up becoming a test I've yet to pass
do I fill in random bubbles
or do I do all I can
to lift my face
feel the sun
fight hard the battle waging within-
this battle of defining lines and sin.

Contentment... and Patience

Lately I have been feeling the need to develop patience and faith and hope in the future and all it holds. While discussing with a dear friend why we make crazy random plans for when we will be old ladies I was reminded of this poem I wrote a couple years ago (At the time I was referring to lovely plans the same girl and I were making then). We feel those plans don't detract from the now, but make us excited for the future. Even though I don't know what will happen, I am gradually remembering and being reminded that finding joy in the now and making plans for an unknown future is the way to have patience and actively wait. Hold on to all the good and truth and love you can find moment by moment and trust in it! Let yourself find contentment.

contentment
even though your hands are cold
and you shake a little
the warmth inside is enough
your mind just can't understand
your heart
but that's alright
you have to accept things as they are
see the good through all the bad
enjoy the sunshine
even though rain is your favorite
make random plans
that might never be done
but make them anyways
waste a little time
to figure out your thoughts
or think about thinking
wink just because your curious
admit to being angry
shed a tear or two
don't be afraid to smile
radiate yourself through your eyes
sing a little song
listen to your heartbeat
and wonder at the little marvels of life
stare out the window
not longing
but content.

Mom always said, "we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

and I have always been pro at trying to cross it before I get there.

An imaginary lady bug
crawls up my arm
and the grass tickles my ankles
as i listen to music
lone- ily
thinking of you
and avoiding the mind's eye view i have
of bridges i may not cross

London bridge is falling down
and i use tooth picks
to hold it up from far out at sea.
I squint to get the perspective just right,
but what is wrong with my perspective is me.

*second poem... inspired by the numerous break up songs played at Acoustic Explosion.

Don't let every moment hold another break up
between you and life.
hold onto your love of life
and let others love you.
Asymmetry
A-synchronicity
and Imperfection
may be a little off balance,
but with a tip of your hat
and a tilt of the head
you can see their beauty.
see Your beauty.

Storm

5/22/10
written in the car back from Clear Creek, Utah... inspired by Scotland-esque mists and rain.

there's a storm in your eyes
it's asking questions of your soul,
but you forget the answers that you know
they are sitting in your heart

somnabulatory
you turn to ask the world
and bury trust and love for yourself in your work
oh, but all that unconscious effort will be in vain.

that storm will wash the topsoil away
and then that raging storm will calm
mist and mud will give way
and all that searching will yield peace and sun

when you blink away the sleep to brightness and your eyes adjust
there will be so much more to view
a stronger faith and trust

Nature's Sympathy

My soul was black,
but it wasn't stained.
The gray clouds blocked out the sun,
but they didn't stay.
Before they left-
first they rained.

They cleansed my heart
and soaked my pride.
They washed away my bitter side.
Made me a cup of tea
and provided nature's sympathy.

The earth cycles through tears and tears*
of which we rush past unaware.

But when we open up our eyes
it's always there to soothe our souls
and hold us up.

Even when we feel the world is falling down
and the sky is following after
and we are caught in this sandwich of improbability.

Even when emotional tides grow high and wide
and thoughts become a tsunami suicide.


*sounds the same as "tares"
~poem written Thursday, May 6th, 2010 while staring out the library window