"How insecure and vain we humans be..."

How insecure and vain we humans be.

Our flaws and imperfections all we sometimes see.

Incapable of putting endless wants aside to fill our basic needs,

we forget - on this continual quest

that we must choose our own peace and light and happiness.

These are things we cannot find,

when by the world we have been blinded.

A grander vision exists than being absorbed in self and worldliness.

We must neglect feelings of being only second best

and preoccupations with what we possess and how we dress.

Trade them in for contentment with the lives we live and who we are

See beyond the world, our footstool - to the skies

for we need dreams as we need stars.

To be the stars of our own lives

we need a little starlight in our eyes.

To truly see -

we need love of life as is

and goals to share and give.

Written on Christmas day 2009, this was my rebellion against getting what I call "the gimmies" and watching the world not understand what truly matters. Since then more nuances have come to my attention about how we need to not just resist worldliness in physical things, possessions adn appearances and such, but also in our self-opinions. I am currently reading a book entitled The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. So far it is really good. I am learning a lot and intend to blog more about it later. But I highly suggest watching her lecture on Ted.com. Here is the link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Water source

God has an immense love for you

and it is evidenced in the impossible-

A source of patience that trickles through the cracks in my heart

and flows out in little loving gestures

I am prompted to do to reach out to you.

Even though you pull away in pain,

my heart aches as much for you as it does for me

and the water keeps on coming.

Sometimes I try to stop the flow

I ignore your need and struggles,

selfishly seal up the fissures with my fear,

but around my will, the water goes.

Sometimes I feel the source is dwindling,

and patience only comes drop by drop.

But each one comes straight from heaven

as God erodes the stubborn pieces of my heart of rock.

Nighttime thoughts

I need to stop thinking my deepest thoughts at night.
I am sinking ever deeper into darkness; forgetting light.
I come full circle starting again where I begun.
Now paving the trail I blazed before, I try to color in the lines.
It's hard to retrace thoughts that made no sense the first few times.
I hope to fall off the path and into sleep's welcoming arms.
I'd much prefer sweet fiction from my dreams
to this middle state where I can't distinguish reality from how things seem.
I wish I could see the truth through the confusion in my heart and head.

I don't remember when I wrote this. I just found it in a notebook of mine with all sorts of doodles, lists and poems. This is so very true of my life though, because I always try to think through important and confusing things at night when I really don't have a clear perspective of things.

Sensing and Simplicity

One idea I have been introduced to and have been trying to absorb is that if you numb the negative, you cannot feel fully the positive. Sometimes it feels like I am standing on a mountain. I have climbed to the top and I feel happy. Then immediately I start to slip down the opposite slope. It can be disappointing to sense and feel something beautiful and then let it fall so fast. But another idea I have been toying with is, what if my happiness is not tainted by sadness, but only seasoned with it? What if they just go together? Does that really make happiness worth less? Maybe it is like putting salt in cookies or sugar in spaghetti sauce. At first it may not make sense, but they actually taste better that way. Maybe feeling both emotions simultaneously just means simply that: I feel. It just means I am alive. My mind likes the idea, but my heart resists. Then my heart finds healing in the notion, but my mind get confused in all the little nuances. Then I write poetry to try and make sense of it.

There is a poetry in the way that the streetlight reflects on the wet asphalt as it rains.

And in the way it smells.

As it rains, even the pavement can hold beauty.

As it rains, even I can believe in the power of using my senses

to awaken my connection to this world.

As my soul curls into the contentment of sensing

I am energized and stand on a mountain

from which I can see both happiness and sorrow.

I do not want to cheapen one by refusing to feel the other.

Rain helps me remember that simplicity is the answer.

Not that life is simple, but that it simply must be accepted.

Mess and all, sorrow and all,

confusion,

joy,

love,

heartbreak,

and never ending questions.

Blessing to live a "normal" life

I think it is a gift to be born into a normal life that never takes a zig-zag turn for the famous or the exorbitantly rich. However stuck in dreamland my average life leads me to be, it is a blessing to have a true identity rather than a persona built by paparazzi. Although it may seem my life is lacking in glitz compared to that of the financially privileged, the public eye is often blind to the airbrushed and empty everyday. Although it seems I am more physically flawed, those in the lime light have a time-hungry beauty, painted and pinched into the mold. They sell out. They role play. Cameras flash and capture only a piece of the real picture that is them. In contrast, when I greet you eye to eye I hope we not only see, but feel-everything that is genuine about each other.

Current

I feel caught up and lost in life again.
The rush of time is pushing from behind,
What is rushing past
causing me to stumble forward.

I wade in deeper,

digging into the pebbles and sand with my feet,
clinging with my toes and flinging my arms out wide

trying to keep my balance.

But the slick coating of algae on the rocks

prevents me from finding my footing

on what should feel more solid
and more familiar after each dip and crossing.

One wrong step-
one wrong choice-

and I teeter with the breeze and current,
stranded on one unsteady limb.

Reminding myself to breathe
I place my air-born foot down beneath me.

My heart beat settles.

I gain composure.

Then at that exact moment God sends a bird swooping,
calling me back to the reality
of his power over my every predicament.

I fall backwards with a splash.

And I laugh.

For I was trying too hard to travel through life and time
forgetting to just sit and soak it in.

Whenever I say "go" / No more. No less.

The past week I've been a slug. There has only been 1 day in the past 10 that I did not sleep at least 8 hours... and some days I slept as many as eleven or twelve. It has felt fabulous! Too much sleep and plenty of time spent doing absolutely nothing has definitely helped in my recuperation from this past semester. However, I've been growing lethargic; a week of being a vegetable is enough.

So, being trapped inside by rain I've done a lot of thinking - if you can call it that. It's more like I've been letting my thoughts drift with every air current. But it has been a bit productive. I've reached a point where some of what I want is becoming clear in my mind again. I can tell because I no longer want to sit around waiting for this or that life milestone to pass me by before I am going to be happy. I have some ideas of what I want and now I am going to work for them. I am tired of thinking to myself, "oh, just make it through _____ and you'll be happy." Fill in the blank with "this freezing cold walk home", "finals' week", "graduation", "finding my Prince Charming", etc.

Of course achieving goals and deciding to be happy will be hard and take continual re-commitment, but that's what this is: a re-commitment. And I invented a hyphenated word to prove it.

I am happiest when I live remembering that I can start over whenever I say "go."

And if that isn't enough food for thought, all this drifting contemplation reminded me of this blurb I wrote a couple years ago:

8/16/08 - No more. No less.

I'd say it all comes down to how much you want it, but I'd be wrong, because there are always exceptions to the rule. However I think saying that comes pretty close to the truth. I've seen it in action – actually I've seen more lack of action. Everyone has excuses for something, but in reality everyone should just tell the truth, “I didn't want it bad enough.” If there is something or someplace in this world that you desire enough, you are going to work against all obstacles in your way. If you don't care about where you are headed or what in life you achieve, well, then you are going to be stuck in one place. Just don't go blaming the weather. Blame yourself. I'm not saying that if you wanted to fly a kite to the moon you could do it if you just wanted it and worked at it. That's a bit beyond impossible. I'm saying that your first goal should be to figure out what you want, and the second to go after it with all the strength you have within you. No more. No less.

Don't worry; I'm still working on it.


~~~~~And I'm still working on it. ~E