Current

I feel caught up and lost in life again.
The rush of time is pushing from behind,
What is rushing past
causing me to stumble forward.

I wade in deeper,

digging into the pebbles and sand with my feet,
clinging with my toes and flinging my arms out wide

trying to keep my balance.

But the slick coating of algae on the rocks

prevents me from finding my footing

on what should feel more solid
and more familiar after each dip and crossing.

One wrong step-
one wrong choice-

and I teeter with the breeze and current,
stranded on one unsteady limb.

Reminding myself to breathe
I place my air-born foot down beneath me.

My heart beat settles.

I gain composure.

Then at that exact moment God sends a bird swooping,
calling me back to the reality
of his power over my every predicament.

I fall backwards with a splash.

And I laugh.

For I was trying too hard to travel through life and time
forgetting to just sit and soak it in.

Whenever I say "go" / No more. No less.

The past week I've been a slug. There has only been 1 day in the past 10 that I did not sleep at least 8 hours... and some days I slept as many as eleven or twelve. It has felt fabulous! Too much sleep and plenty of time spent doing absolutely nothing has definitely helped in my recuperation from this past semester. However, I've been growing lethargic; a week of being a vegetable is enough.

So, being trapped inside by rain I've done a lot of thinking - if you can call it that. It's more like I've been letting my thoughts drift with every air current. But it has been a bit productive. I've reached a point where some of what I want is becoming clear in my mind again. I can tell because I no longer want to sit around waiting for this or that life milestone to pass me by before I am going to be happy. I have some ideas of what I want and now I am going to work for them. I am tired of thinking to myself, "oh, just make it through _____ and you'll be happy." Fill in the blank with "this freezing cold walk home", "finals' week", "graduation", "finding my Prince Charming", etc.

Of course achieving goals and deciding to be happy will be hard and take continual re-commitment, but that's what this is: a re-commitment. And I invented a hyphenated word to prove it.

I am happiest when I live remembering that I can start over whenever I say "go."

And if that isn't enough food for thought, all this drifting contemplation reminded me of this blurb I wrote a couple years ago:

8/16/08 - No more. No less.

I'd say it all comes down to how much you want it, but I'd be wrong, because there are always exceptions to the rule. However I think saying that comes pretty close to the truth. I've seen it in action – actually I've seen more lack of action. Everyone has excuses for something, but in reality everyone should just tell the truth, “I didn't want it bad enough.” If there is something or someplace in this world that you desire enough, you are going to work against all obstacles in your way. If you don't care about where you are headed or what in life you achieve, well, then you are going to be stuck in one place. Just don't go blaming the weather. Blame yourself. I'm not saying that if you wanted to fly a kite to the moon you could do it if you just wanted it and worked at it. That's a bit beyond impossible. I'm saying that your first goal should be to figure out what you want, and the second to go after it with all the strength you have within you. No more. No less.

Don't worry; I'm still working on it.


~~~~~And I'm still working on it. ~E